ENOUGH OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

No can comprehend the emptiness and melancholy I am battling with after learning about the sudden news of the untimely passing of Violet Kakai an Auxiliary nurse who worked at International Hospital Kampala for over 10 years. The condition Violet died in is not only horrific but brutal and devilish in nature. Only a wild beast would tear down a human being like she was axed. Unfortunately, this cruel act was done by a fellow human being who happens to have been her husband and father of children. It’s been revealed that Violet had been going through almost the same torture for the last almost 10 years and the whole neighborhood, workplace and close acquaintances were aware about the beasty behaviors of the murderer. In fact, the local council and police were aware but well, since domestic violence is now like an accepted citizen, the issue was not given the strong urgent attention it deserved.

According to UBOS 2007, about 68% of ever married women aged 15-49 years had experienced some form of violence inflicted by their own spouse/ intimate partner. No single theory can sufficiently explain in its account. We live in a patriarchal society where women are inferior to men and so the man feels he has a right to control, punish and discipline the woman.As someone who has encountered so many domestic and gender based violence cases from the kind of work I do, domestic violence is kind of adductive especially in the African setting due to the cultural norms. Some people even take it as a signal of love, disgusting right! On many occasions, someone will call you needing urgent intervention about them being battered, and before you know it, the two ‘lovebirds’ are back in a bliss and the cycle goes on. It’s not bad to reconcile but that won’t change the fact that your life is in danger. Domestic violence starts slowly and soft, from abuses, to slaps, to punches, and before you know it, someone is gone. So the victim keeps on hoping that the batterer will change, this is total deceit and only God can manage such a situation!  You cannot solve illegal acts outside the legal framework. Society norms have worsened everything for fear of ‘banandaba batya’, ‘how will they see me if I leave’! How will my children survive, but well, you finally leave the children as orphans! We must change and break free from all these cultural anti women norms. The most provoking part is, the society is still blaming this on the woman (the deceased), that maybe she was a shameless cheat, maybe she was greedy or disrespectful! And so what! Is this a justification for murdering a mother in cold blood amidst the children!

Most times, tolerance calls for more abuses, yet being safe is basic right! There is no doubt that marriage is beautiful and prestigious especially in our African setting and actually the best environment for children to grow up from but it’s not all life has to offer! And we have seen people cross to better relationships after failed ones! Women should stop reducing themselves to a mere marriage ring or relationships! We must all know when enough is enough! And where are the parents/relatives of the victim in all this! It’s been revealed that the deceased was an orphan and this gave momentum to the perpetrator to always act with impunity, after all, who will question him when he already bribed most people in authority! Parents and guardians need to stop feeling relieved of their parental roles once their children are married off! In fact in some cultures, when the girl is married off, her bed is burnt or destroyed. So how do you expect such a person to run to the same place for refugee well knowing her bed was destroyed with all the implication this comes with!

Which kind of men and sons are we raising! Men that believe hitting a woman is a sign of real manhood! The men that don’t believe in reconciliation and forgiveness, the men who think marrying someone means owning them and have all the rights to do anything! I see many ‘sengas’ and musicians preaching to women to withstand and be patient in marriage irrespective, some of them use stale statements like ‘obufumbo kiyungu, omukka nebwegujja oguma’. Literally meaning, marriage is like a kitchen, when the smoke comes, you remain and withstand it. It’s funny how most women believe in such, so how many men can withstand the smoke in this regard? And sad enough, most musicians who sing and preach such messages, are actually not married. We should stop preaching what we cannot practice! One of the main reasons why domestic and gender based violence is intensifying is because it’s passed on from generation to generation. Violet was axed amidst the children, think of how these children will grow, they have been traumatized already and the last nail in the coffin was watching their mother be sliced like minced meat. Not even cows are slaughtered in such a manner. Where is the government in all this? What is the church saying! Perpetrators need to be persecuted before the world, reconciliation needs to be done in the courts of law not in the house. We are talking about someone’s life not wife! Most domestic violence cases are as a result of underlying causes which need to be dealt with before the situation gets out of hand.

CAROL NYANGOMA MUKISA

Social Analyst & Executive Director Warm Hearts Foundation